Personal Matrix

i fabricate my own cozy bastille

a snap of my fingers and bonds dissolve

like grape kool-aid in water but

i worry about purple fingers and

i am not in a snappy fucken mood so

i sit with rank taste in my mouth

indulging in life's bitter fruit

like one of mommy's "lessons"

feeding me cookies till i get sick to

my gutless gut

misery my jezabel

i have money today ...

tweet

"Dear waffles ... i'm sorry i can't see you anymore ... i don't trust you ... you give me this yucky feeling in my tummy and it shows ..."

this morning

it's morning and

the kitchen tile is cold on my feet and

i feel the cookie crumbs on

my toes from last night's bout with

munchies

as i stand here preparing cafe du monde and

condensed milk ...

my mind wanders through

a forest far from here but

doesn't focus on any of the trees or

birds over head or

insects underfoot

i am nether here nor there

more like in between ...

through the window traffic horn's

playful bantering with sirens and

tires hissing as they pass by on Franklin St

the sound belies this time of year and

announces pavement is wet from

drizzle and fog ...

it is summertime here in my city but

it feels like winter overnight

and it carries through to

the morning ...

my mind knows

winter and night well and

a fog just as thick rolls in

quelling happiness like

a blanket spread over me right after falling asleep

no comfort just a fitful waking as

i readjust my pillow and

condemn my would be savior

cursing under breath ...

just then a whistle from the blue tea pot

blaring through mid morning

pulls me back from the

outer reaches of subconscious as

hot water douses coffee bean while

whistles and sirens are replaced with

liquid dipping ...

warm elixir washes fog and

haze away

soothing my throat

goose pimples call to mind

late night shots

and Manhattans up

washing away my problems

only this morning

problems stare at my sober face

and i turn to face them ...

to do list for tomorrow*

1) wake up early(before noon)

2) workout(not just WATCHING fitness DVDs)

3) eat healthy breakfast

4) read real newspaper(if dead neighbors subscription did not lapse yet)

5) look for job

6) look for jobs online(if other neighbor is on with unsecured network)

7) ignore any social networking sites

8) catch up on reading(real books)

9) eat healthy lunch

10) look for work

11) ignore any and all video game consoles

12) work on resume(again)

13) more reading

14) write something

15) eat healthy snack

16) run errands

17) pay bills

18) ignore the need for impulse buying at Walmart or Walgreen's

19) talk to creditors of bills not paid(convince them somehow to give you a bail out like they got one)

20) look for work

21) park car in new place to avoid repo man

22) eat healthy dinner

23) avoid impulse to go to Burger King or MacDonald's which is cheaper and faster then healthy food

24) more reading

25) more writing

26) check if TV magically has cable now

27) be thankful you don't have kids

28) go to bed at decent hour (before 3am)

29) be thankful that you at least have your health(try not to laugh at this one)

30) *postpone tomorrow's "to do list" till next week

hope/dream

hopes and dreams
like the summer dawn
iridescent
like an abalone shell
in my grandma's cactus garden
youthful bliss
before responsibility
hopes and ... dreams
like autumns twilight
lustrous
like the pearl coat
on my homeboy's impala
cruising for chicks
before bad relationships
hopes ... and dreams
like the winter starry night
staring into infinity
future's abyss ...
hopes
manifesting
dreams
manifesting
reality
hope ... and ...
dream



.

untitled

it's been awhile since i spread my thoughts out on paper

like a game of pick up sticks

memories

moving past me like vaporous

cumulus

puffy and white

when i used to swear there

up in the clouds

was some kind of mythical beast

living

amongst the fantasies

and dreams

of preadolescent

disposition

stargazing and

rain watching

and hide and seek

with

my own thoughts

grey matter seeking

knowledge of self

searching much further then the clouds

beyond the mythical beast living there

well past the fantasies

where all energy is drawn

someday somehow

little did i know way back then that the knowledge i sought

was always there

inside

m

y

s

e

l

f

Hammer Time

Is it me or am i the only person that is grossed out by toes on the dashboard? Hummm ... while i let you take a min to ponder that ... let me take some time to give you a little background on the subject ...

Anyone who knows me and for those who don't (you probably don't) knows that i was born and bred in California ... to be more specific Northern Cali ... to be more specific then that ... the Bay ... and being from the Bay in lovely Northern Cali we tend to have a certain love affair with our cars ... the car is a very important part of the culture not only here in the Bay, but most places near a metropolitan area ... well what the hell ... i'm going to go out on a limb and say the good old US of A ... for us Americans driving is a way a life ... what i am trying to say is that many people commute to work with a car ... and if you don't commute you at least know someone who does ... and if don't know anyone who does you probably live in a place where money is falling out of the sky, you don't need to work, somehow your body is nourished by just breathing, and everyone just sits around singing "we are the world" by the campfire next to the Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny/Santa Clause being all one big happy fairytale world (aaaaaaa ... yea) ... commute or not we have all been on at least one road trip in our lives so hopefully you can relate ... now back to the point i am trying to make ... toes ... bare feet ... feet with socks ... feet period ... do not belong on the fucking passenger dashboard while the fucking car is in fucking motion!!!! am i the only one who sees something terribly wrong with this???? now i have many reasons for this opinion and this offends me on many levels but i will keep it down to just 2 ...

Reason 1) is just pure safety (now who can argue with that ... you see? i really care about YOUR safety) ... i have been in a few car accidents in my day ... some serious some not so serious ... in all the accidents i have been in, especially as a passenger ... i was not paying attention enough nor did i possess the lighting like reflexes to prevent the damn thing ... hence the term accident ... you don't plan that shit out ... it just happens ... usually at the most inopportune time (like when your car insurance is expired) ... so unless you are some sort of prognosticator extraordinaire, or an olympic athlete with the reflexes of a cat, most likely you and your toes are going to be in big trouble when it happens ... ok, best case scenario they are picking toe nails out your forehead at the ER and you have earned one of those, "life of the party", "had to be there", stories that you can tell back at your job at walmart(when you can walk again)... or you can just wow the chicks(or fellas whatever you are into) and tell them how you got those cool scars on your forehead ... of course the reaction will always be "wow those toenail scars are sooooooo cool" ... worst case? you made shishkebab with your head and tibia ... game over ... do not pass go ... no cool scar stories for you ...

Reason 2) now this is just more my opinion and forgive me for giving you my opinion in my own blog (of course i mean that) ... it is just ugly to see on the damn dashboard of a freakin car!!!! ... and again i am going out on a limb here ... NOT so attractive ... what your crusty hammer toes do in the privacy of their own shoes is fine with me(unless its flip flops but that is another blog for me to write) but in full public view on the dashboard? i feel violated ... i think i learned it in jr. high school ... life, liberty, the right to not be exposed to crusty toes? ... i mean come on ... is there that much more room with your feet up on the dash board then just reclining the seat back? is it that much more comfortable? have you been in the car for more than 24 hours straight and can't stretch out at the gas station? what are the reasons? someone fill me in ... let me go out on a limb here ... no one wants to see anyone else's feet unless absolutely necessary ... my take on it is this ... unless A) you are fucking Dr. Scholls... B) are someone i am having sex with ... C) someone related to me or D) some kind of foot model ... i really don't feel the need to see your fucked up feet or toes or the need to show you mine ... so keep them off the damn dashboard of your damn Dodge Caravan people ...

dirty 30

so here we are ... blog post number 30 ... wow! it is a milestone for me ... i am sure there will be many more to come ... but i wanted to sit back and relish this ... sure this blog hasn't taken off like i imagined it would ... i guess a part of me wanted to get picked up by some big internet ad company and i would just sit back and watch the cash start rolling in ... i could quit my job(wait i don't have one) and sit around all day in my underwear, playing xbox, eating a mixture of pork rinds and cheetos, downing mountain dew, while spewing forth anything that came to mind and getting paid for it(hummm sounds like my life minus the getting paid part) ... instead i find myself like a second rate comedian, standing on stage, for an empty house (other then the shit face drunk, and foreign tourist, that stumbled upon the joint ... you know the guy, not fully understanding what's going on, but just hanging around because they don't know of anything else better to do) ... tapping the mic asking "is this thing on???"(cue crickets) ... and i ask IS THIS THING ON? ... well the lack of comments and readers doesn't get me down ... oh no ... the lack of corporate sponsors does not keep me up at night or make or break my blog ... i really don't give a rats ass who does or doesn't read this ... i am strictly here to write some shit for myself ... whether you hear me or not ... feel me or not ... smell me or not ... i am going to keep on keeping on ... so yea, as i sit here, in my star wars PJ's, sipping on yoohoo, eating fruit roll ups,(aaaa yea) i celebrate my 30th blog ... and to quote the immortal Rick James ... "its a celebration bitches!"

My 25th Hour

fuck bottle service! with your fake ass trust fund babies spending money they didn't earn, and your weak ass posers spending their rent, and cell phone money for a bottle you could get a BevMo for less then 20 bucks ...

fuck vip rooms! with your fake ass, label wearing, plastic ass people ... go take public transportation back to your apartment, and living check to check, till i see you out again next week with that "fresh from the department store" look ... 

fuck you douche bags ... with your dumb ass complaining about the music no matter what's playing, and there is never enough "ass" around for you to grope ... you still haven't caught on that she don't give a fuck about your lame, drunken ass ...

fuck you scene fucks ... don't think because i am nice to you that i don't see what you're doing ... you only come around, and bat your eye lashes because you want the guest list, or a free drink, or to flirt with a dj ... then when you get it, you go back to your girl friends, and tell them how you played someone because deep deep down your opinion of yourself is so low you need that bit of satisfaction to keep you from slitting your wrist ... 

i don't hate you ... i just think you should get priorities straight

Blast from the past (deuce)

piece of mind

maybe this is

a fucked up way

to look at it

but when you came into this

holding back that

little piece

not willing to give 100%

of yourself

you are the one who is

lost

baby

i made my mistakes

i crossed boundries

broke some ... deals

but i gave you 100% of

me

you had all i could give

and i was 100%

hurt by

you

i think you had that

little piece

of yourself tucked away

so long

that you forgot about it

now you look for it

in someone else

trying to find what is not even there

keep seaching hunny

keep trying to find what you thought

you lost

i aint even mad at you anymore

sorry

im so so sorry

but i feel

sorry

for

you

L'Inverno

i lie awake at night

thinking ...

asking the same questions ...

oh dread penance ...

i think about the good and

bad times ...

how i could never be sorry enough

for the past

transgressions

in your eyes ...

how i could never do enough

to make it right

in your eyes ...

i think how i wasn't good enough

for your truth ...

how you demanded and

expected

mine ...

how it all has changed from

tears all night to

just

one

because that's all i will let

come

because that is all that will

come ... now ... and

by the time that tear dries

i will sleep a dreamless

sleep

i think about how i will

wake

to empty days and

going through the motions and

how to get used to the idea of

me without

you ...

i think about right and

wrong ...

sin ... forgiveness ... redemption ...

i see long long days

turn into longer nights and

i lie there

Awake ...

Broken

i am a reflection looking at my true self outside the mirror

misery is my comfort

pain makes me feel content

as i look through the glass i wonder if this is the day

will i turn the tables and become myself again?

staring into empty eyes

eyes that i know so well

today is not that day

i see a clenched fist

shards of broken glass on the bathroom floor

pieces of myself as i look closer

many shattered images gaze back at me

beautiful disarray

i reach to grab a piece

i feel it cutting into skin and flesh as i grip it in my hand

warm blood spills out

pain shoots up my arm

i smile

i know i'm alive

Blast from the past

so i dug into the poetry archives and pulled a few to share with you ... originally on my myspace blog, of course i deleted that poor thing but it was where i started blogging ... so these are early pieces ... anyway i like them and i thought i would share ...




Vol. 1

i say nothing

because i mean

nothing

to you

................

but its no

"thing"

to me

it lives and breaths

til its last

breath

is crushed out

til its pluse becomes

slower

and slower still

until matter is transformed into

21 grams of energy

and takes flight on wings

passing through the stone

passageways

carved by the ancients

aligned with heavenly bodies

to the ever after

and then ...

sparks




is it savoir-faire or
lack of it ...
or the twinkle in the eye
that starts the
sparks of
curiosity
which ignite the flame of
infatuation
and
desire
not desire of flesh and bone
but spirit
and soul
thought patterns
kaleidoscopic dream states
altered life paths
different facets illuminated
that flash of sparkle
in the peripheral
that makes me stop to
investigate the
bling bling
or ... lack of it
whatever it is
it's real to me
at this point in time
and
i
like
it





para ti




so tell me what's a guy got to do
to be on your team?
those eyes got me falling
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
down into ... deep "like"
daydreams ...
of you
of us
your smile
got me knocked the hell out
my champ
my doll ... face
not just a "piece"
of ass
but a dime "piece"
class
i don't want just "a" piece
i want you whole
mind
body
soul
and everything that comes with ...

NYC Jumbo

This is my iTunes playlist from NYC ... i had an 8 Hour Train ride from Boston to NYC ... so let me tell you i got through most of this ... This is a mixture of R&B, Soul, Blues, Jazz, Reggae, Funk and Disco Classics ...

40 Days - Billy Brooks

Your Sweetness Is My Weakness - Barry White

Young Hearts Run Free - Candi Station

You're Still A Young Man - Tower of Power

You Got the Love - Chaka Khan & Rufus

You Can't Turn Me Away - Sylvia Striplin

You Can't Hide From Yourself - Teddy Pendergrass

You Are the Sunshine of My Life - Stevie Wonder

You Are Everything - Stylistics

Worth His Weight In Gold (Rally Round) - Steel Pulse

Wind Parade - Donald Byrd

When Will I See You Again - The Three Degrees

What You Won't Do for Love - Bobby Caldwell

Weak At The Knees - Steve Arrington

We Got Our Own Thang - CJ & Co.

Walk On By - Isaac Hayes

Valdez In The Country - Donny Hathaway

Unwind Yourself - Marva Whitney

Try Me - James Brown

Through The Fire - Chaka Khan

Think - Lyn Collins

These Arms Of Mine - Otis Redding

Tell it like it is - Arron Neville

SWEET THANG - CHAKA KHAN

Superfly - Curtis Mayfield

Super Bad - James Brown

Sun Goddess - Earth, Wind & Fire

Summer Madness - Kool & The Gang

Summer In The City - Quincy Jones

Sukiyaki - A Taste of Honey

Suavecito - Malo

Street Life - The Crusaders

STOP, LOOK, LISTEN - STYLISTICS

Stay With Me - El Debarge

Ingram - Mi Sabrina Tequana

Soul Power '74 - Maceo & The Macks

Sly Slick and Wicked - 18 wih a bullet

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding

Sitting InThe Park - Billy Stewart

Shamboozie - Bob James

Senxual healing - Marvin Gaye

Searchin - Roy Ayers

Scorpio [7" Version] - Dennis Coffey

Rude Movements - Sun Palace

Rotation - Herb Alpert

Rock Me Again and Again and Again and Again and Again and Again (6 Times) - Lyn Collins

Rock Creek Park - Donald Byrd & The Blackbyrds

Rise - Herb Alpert

Ring the Alarm - Tenor Saw

Revolution - Dennis Brown

Reasons *Live version* - Earth Wind and Fire

The Real Thing - Sergio Mendes

Reach for It - George Duke

Pusher Man - Curtis Mayfield

Portuguese Love - Teena Marie

Paul Hardcastle-Rainforest - Paul Hardcastle

Pastime Paradise - Ray Baretto

Pass the Peas - (Single) The J.B.'s

Oh Honey - Delegation, The

No No No - Marcia Griffiths

Nautilus - Bob James

Natural High - Bloodstone

Mystic Brew - Ronnie Foster

My Jamaican Guy - Grace Jones

Move On Up (Extended Version) - Curtis Mayfield

Mothership Connection (Star Child) - Parliament

Mister Magic - Grover Washington, Jr.

Midnight Theme (Dopebrother Remix) Manzel

Midnight Groove Love Unlimited Orchestra (the)

Midas Touch - Midnight Star

Love Is The Message (Danny Krivit Re-Edit) - MFSB / The Salsoul Orchestra

The Message from the Soul Sisters, Pts. 1 & 2 - Myra Barnes

Melting Pot - Booker T & The MG's

Machine Gun - The Commodores

Summer Breeze - Main Ingredients

Lowdown - Boz Scaggs

Love For The Sake Of Love - Claudia Barry

A Little Bit of Love - Brenda Russell

Let's Straighten It Out - Tyrone Davis

Let's Stay Together - Al Green

Let's Get It On - Marvin Gay

La, La, Means I Love You - The Delphonics

Keep On Pushing - Curtis Mayfield & The Impressions

Jungle Fever - The Chakachas

It's Just Begun - The Jimmy Castor Bunch

It Seems To Hang On(Tommy Musto Edit) - Ashford & Simson

Inside My Love - Minnie Riperton

In The Mood - Tyrone Davis

I've Got Nothing to Lose - Gwen McCrae

I'm So Proud - Curtis Mayfield & The Impressions

I'm Ready - Kano

I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby - Barry White

I'm Afraid The Masquerade Is Over - David Porter

I'd Rather Go Blind - Etta James

I'd Rather Be With You - Bootsy Collins

I Zimbra - Talking Heads

I Want'a Do Something Freaky to You - Leon Haywood

I want to get next to you - Rose Royce

I Know You Got Soul - Bobby Byrd

I Hear Music In The Streets - Unlimited Touch

(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind Sir Joe Quarterman & Free Soul

I Do Love You - GQ

I Chase the Devil - Max Romeo

Hyperbolicsyllabicsesquedalymistic - Isaac Hayes

Holy Thursday - David Axelrod

Hollywood Swinging - Kool & The Gang

Hercules - Araron Neville

Harlem River Drive - Bobbi Humphrey

Happy Feeling - EWF

Hangin' On A String - Loose Ends

The Grunt (Part 1 &2) - The Jb's

Green Onions - Booker T & The MG's

Go Home - Stevie Wonder

Ghost Town (12' version) - The Specials

Getcho Soul Togetha (Pt 1) - Breakestra

Georgy Porgy - Toto & Cheryl Lynn

Funky Worm - Ohio Players

Flowers - The Emotions

Fire and Desire - Rick James & Teena Marie

Express Yourself - Charles Watts and the 103rd St Band

Expansions - Lonnie Liston Smith

Don't Let It Go To Your Head - Jean Carne

Didn't I Do It Baby - Delphonics

Be Thankful for What You Got - William DeVaughn

Darlin' Darlin' Baby (Sweet, Tender Love) - Ojays

DaNCE TO THE DRUMMERS BEAT - Herman Kelly & Life

Curious - Midnight Star

Cross The Tracks (We Better Go Back) - Various Artists

Corazon - Creative Source

Confessin' A Feeling - Sly,Slick & Wicked

Cocaine in My Brain - Dillinger

The Closer I Get To You - Roberta Flack & D. Hathaway

Can't Fake The Feeling - Geraldine Hunt

Brothers On The Slide - Cymande

The Breakdown (Part 2) - Rufus Thomas

Bra - Cymande

Black Magic Woman - Dennis Brown

Between The Sheets - The Isley Brothers

Bam Bam - Pliers

Baby I'm scared of you - Womack & Womack

Baby I'm For Real - Originals

As If You Read My Mind - Stevie Wonder

Apache - Incredible Bongo Band

After the Dance (Vocal, Extended Alternate Mix) - Marvin Gaye

Adventures In The Land Of Music - Dynasty

A Few Pics from NYC

About My Spizzo

i used to have a myspace ... back when myspace was new ... i was in first 30,000 to have an account ... i don't know if i should be proud of that or what ... anyway i deleted that thing a while back but this is the excerpt from the about me section .... i always wondered how they expected you to write about yourself ... as you can see i thought it was really a joke ... but this is not too far from the truth ... ok here it is ...

i got issues ... skeletons in the closet ... a checkered past ... a bad rep ... i'm nothing but trouble ... i'm always up to something ... people say i'm no good ... i can't make up my mind ever ... i go out too much ... i wear the same old greasy hat everyday ... i might be crazy ... i take my med's with a shot of grey goose ... my therapy is going nowhere ... i like to hit happy hour at El Torito before i go to my AA meetings ... wanna bet if ill make it to gamblers anonymous today? ... i like to take long walks off short piers ... i play with fire ... i read chain letters just to break them ... i drive 50 MPH in the fast lane ... i'm that one guy that just beats you to the drive thru and takes forever to order stuff ... i make it a point to have more then 10 items at the express check out line ... i like to stop in the middle of the aisle at costco for no reason ... i substitute then for than and your for you're so what? i told you im crazy ... i'm known to smash peoples bread in the check out line at the grocery store ... sometimes i get a piece of dried up glue and hang it out my nose so it looks like a booger. then i go around at work to see who is going to tell me like "yo! you got a booger hanging out your nose!" i know who my real friends are now! ... like i said crazy ...

Royale with Cheese part Duex

So fresh from the East Coast ... Boston, NYC ... a quick stint in Vermont ... yes Vermont folks but I actually had a great time ... anyway ... as i mentioned before ... there are the subtle differences between east coast west coast culture ... for instance ... Vermont has free Internet at their roadside rest areas .... NO bathrooms sometimes, but free Internet none the less(go figure)! Of course there are the differences that are obvious ... weather ... a summer in SF CA is pretty damn cold at night ... i always bring a jacket where ever i go ... i just leave it in the trunk ... rain in the summer in the Bay is quite rare ... it rains a lot back east over the summer ... and its still hot as crap ... anyway, so now to the heart of the matter ... the "guts" of this ... so to speak ... ok i never really noticed, but while i was in Vermont i had a bad case of stomach gurgles(The precursor to MUDDBUTT) ... so here i am in a steak house in Vermont, celebrating my brothers Masters Degree, and BLAM it's on me like a crack head is on his dealer when the 1st and 15th rolls around ... I am hurting ... so i make a run on the men's restroom like a state worker making a run on the bank trying to cash a CA state IOU ... time seems to slow down ... picture this (cue the slow motion) bathroom stall door kicked down ... one hand on my belt buckle one hand reaching for the toilet seat covers ... spin move all in one motion slam closed the stall door ... toilet seat cover in one hand ... slides it into to place ... when the sudden realization ... NO toilet seat covers!!! NOOOOOOOOO(in slow motion ... ceiling cam close up slowly pulls out) frantically i begin to engineer some protection out of TP ... my butt cheeks thank me for winning this battle but my insides are slowly letting me know that the war will be lost ... ill spare you the gory details ... (as if this wasn't detailed enough) ... the point i am trying to make is that even in the shittiest(haha no pun intended) of bathrooms in CA ... i am talking total hole in the wall dive bar .. to porta potty ... there are some damn toilet seat covers!!!! East coast is it too much to ask for some damn free toilet seat covers!?!?!?! to add insult to injury i ask the people in my party if they know of this hygiene faux pas, and much to my chagrin ... i guess it was common knowledge that there are no toilet seat covers on the east coast!!! ... i know that there are few who read this blog ... but to those fateful that do ... let this be a lesson to you and a warning ... this knowledge may save your ass (again no pun intended) ... bring your own toilet seat covers when you go to NYC ... or just find a CA based company over there and hijack some ... i happened upon a cache inside the apple store ...